The mother-in-law of all battles.....

Today I have a piece in the Telegraph about the problems that some women have with their mothers-in-law. Many people will be able to empathise!
Here is the link: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2007/09/15/famother115.xml

Or you can read on here....

The mother-in-law of all battles
Last Updated: 12:01am BST 15/09/2007

Dare to marry another woman's son? That's just asking for trouble, says Sarah Ebner

When Tania Harper's mother-in-law came to visit her, she brought with her two bibs, presents for Tania's baby son, Paul. One bib announced: "I love my Daddy." The other proclaimed: "I love my cat." Mummy, it was clear, did not merit a mention.

"It's absolutely typical," fumes Tania. "She's made it clear that I am surplus to requirements. When we see her friends, she tells them: 'This is my little boy.' Or: 'This is my son's little boy.' I feel like the invisible woman."

Tania's experiences will be familiar to millions of women. For want of a better name, we can call it "mother-in-law syndrome". It's what happens to so many innocent souls when they marry another woman's son.

"By the way I love Paul, I can already appreciate that there's something very special between boys and their mothers," says Tania. "Maybe mothers-in-law are so awful because we've stolen their sons."

Mums-in-law don't always get a great press, but it's often men who moan about them. Les Dawson and Bernard Manning weren't the only comedians to profit from mother-in-law jokes. But research suggests that men actually get off lightly. It's daughters-in-law who suffer.

"Studies show that the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship is the trickiest," says Terri Apter, a psychologist who's writing a book about the subject.

"Men simply aren't as involved," she adds. "They can take a low profile."

Apter says that daughters-in-law feel judged and pressured by their mothers-in-law. She's also found that even modern mothers-in-law disregard feminist sympathies when it comes to their boys.

"They want what's best for their son. If that means suppressing their daughter-in-law's career, they think that's okay."

Lorraine Gibb can echo that: "When I met my mother-in-law, I quickly discovered we had nothing in common except that we both loved her son. Now what really irritates me is the way she discounts anything which contradicts her view that I am an ambitious career woman who doesn't put her darling boy first. This is despite the fact that I do all the cooking, organise the household and, having produced two children, gave up my high-flying job to work part-time. She still seems to think that I could look after her beloved child better."

When you marry, you often don't realise that you're not just marrying the man you love, but also his mother. Many in-laws are paragons of virtue and a joy to know. This article, however, isn't about them.

"I went out of my way to be nice to her," says Gillian Campbell of her mother-in-law. "But she just never made the effort with me. She doesn't ask me anything about myself and always expects me to run around after her. She visited four days after I gave birth and still expected me to make her a cup of tea. She told me it would 'do me good' to get up and about. I'd had a caesarean."

But Gillian knew from her wedding day what she was in for. "My sister went in to see that everything was ready in the church and saw Ian's mum. She introduced herself, saying: 'Gillian looks lovely. Isn't it a wonderful day?' Ian's mum - who was dressed all in black - just looked at her and said: 'Well, I think it's a very sad day.'

"My sister rushed out to tell me not to get married because my mother-in-law-to-be was so awful."

Problems with in-laws can veer from the foolish ("She hates the fact that I'm from London," says Celia Sharman, whose husband is from Nottingham) to the ridiculous ("She couldn't believe that I had a daughter when she'd always wanted one," says Lorraine Gibb). One woman even put a private detective on t her potential daughter-in-law. Amazingly, the couple went on to marry. Less surprisingly, they have now divorced.

Gillian Campbell admits she was so innocent when she got engaged that she didn't think it mattered what her mother-in-law was like. "But she made it obvious that Ian could have done so much better. She's always thought I wasn't good enough."

It's strange how all the women I spoke to, bar one, had mothers-in-law who didn't have daughters of their own. The one who did have a daughter (Celia Sharman's) didn't get on with her. Also, none of the mothers had sisters and none had got on with their mothers. This may be entirely anecdotal but it does suggest difficulty relating to other women.

But perhaps the real problem with mothers-in-law is the very name. It sounds like your own mother, someone you love, who's brought you up and knows you. Mothers-in-law, however, are thrust upon you.

"My mother-in-law has only ever bought me one present," says Tania Harper. "She arrived at our house smiling, and I was really touched, because she'd never got me anything before. Then she opened her bag and got out a T-shirt. It said: 'My mother-in-law went to Crete and all she bought me was this lousy T-shirt.' I was stunned. Then she said: 'You are going to wear it, aren't you?' "

Names have been changed.

DOS AND DON'TS

Be realistic. High expectations are bound to be dashed. Why should you expect a close and fulfilling relationship when you haven't chosen each other?

Remember she is not your mother, which means she isn't, necessarily, on your side. Watch who you complain about her to. Sympathetic female friends are probably better than husbands. You don't want your marriage affected.

Damage limitation may be the wisest option. It could be that a slightly cooler relationship is the best you can do.

Don't think that children will make you bond with your mother-in-law. They just offer lots more opportunities for conflict.

You've bought the Princesses - now fork out for the Fairies

Today I have a small piece in the Guardian about Disney fairies - the new phenomenon which is aimed at those young girls who are growing out of Disney princesses. Disney, it appears, is aiming to capture the imagination of little girls from toddlerdom to teenagerdom!
Here is the link to the Guardian piece, http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,2031641,00.html
Or you can read my original piece here:

By Sarah Ebner

Once upon a time there was a Scot called Andy Mooney. He travelled to faraway Hollywood and changed the lives of millions of young girls. For it was Mooney who begat the Disney Princess phenomenon – proving that an apparently simple idea can be among the most successful.
Mooney decided to join together all the Disney Princesses – adding in a few other heroines, such as Mulan and Pocahontas, whose link to royalty was somewhat tenuous. Little girls across the world were enraptured, and sales of Disney merchandise, from vests to bicycles, rose from $300m in 2001 to $3.4bn last year.
The genius – and I say this as the mother of a five-year-old who has a poster of Belle (from Beauty and the Beast) on her wall, and Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty dresses in her wardrobe - was that this all happened without having to invent any new characters, and with no initial fanfare or advertising.
It sounds like a happy ending, but Disney and Mooney are not resting on their laurels. Instead, having captured two to five year olds, they’ve now got five to eights in their sights. Disney Fairies are set to be the next big thing, and if the website, http://disney.go.com/fairies/, is anything to go by, Tinker Bell and her new friends look like a flying version of the Spice Girls.
“Tinker Bell is perennially popular for us,” explains Kirsten De Groot, European Director of Disney Princess and Girls franchises. “She’s a very vivacious, fun character, and her world of fairies resonates with older girls.”
The American website has already had nearly 17 million hits in just one month, and a British version launches in the summer. A Tinker Bell film (which finally gives the little fairy a voice, courtesy of Brittany Murphy) will be released onto DVD next year while a new Disney Fairies magazine is already proving popular. There is also soon to be an onslaught of books, costumes and other fairy merchandise.
So how do the fairies compare to the princesses? Well, there’s a distinct lack of ballgowns and no princes in sight. The fairies will be able to mix with each other (unlike the princesses, who are all limited to their original settings) and there’s also been an obvious attempt to make them ethnically diverse, although beauty is still as much of a requirement as ever. Tinker Bell, who looks as if she’s had a 21st century makeover, is the only blonde, while Silvermist even looks a little like one of the Bratz – although that’s clearly a heretical thing to suggest to anyone at Disney, and De Groot, naturally, disagrees.
“Do you wish you were a fairy?” asks the new website, and a whopping 87 per cent of girls say they do (as opposed to the 13 per cent “happy being me.”). Disney will be thrilled. But when your daughters no longer believe in fairies, the corporation will still be there. High School Musical – the Disney TV movie which has captured the imaginations of 8 to 12 year olds across the world – is ready and waiting.