I have an article in the Daily Telegraph about early empty nest syndrome. You can read it here.....http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/02/23/fanest123.xml
Or here:
Empty nest: mothership lost in space
Sarah Ebner knew empty nest syndrome would strike one day - but wasn't expecting it when her youngest was just two
I feel bereft. My son has left me. My cheerful, gorgeous, golden boy has moved on, with barely a thought for how I will cope. He talks now of other women and has become so secretive that I have no idea what he's up to ("I don't know," he repeats firmly). He's only two and a half, but it'll never be the same again.
If I'm honest, I can't believe it. I had no fears about my son starting nursery. I thought that as long as he was happy, I would be. But I was wrong. As Robbie skipped away merrily, I felt ridiculously emotional. While the staff were thrilled that he was so happy and un-clingy, I felt an almost irresistible urge to rush into the nursery, grab him and bring him back home with me.
He's only at pre-school for three hours a day, so could I really be suffering from empty nest syndrome?
"Yes," says Jacqui Marson, a chartered counselling psychologist who specialises in motherhood. "It's a definite loss and reacting to it is completely normal."
I have to admit that I'm feeling pretty silly. When my elder daughter began at the same nursery, I waved her off with none of the same emotions. But perhaps that was because I still had a baby at home with me. Now that he has bounced off into the (beginning of the) adult world, I am strangely lost. The time, which is only relevant on the two days I don't work, seems so vast that I worry about how best to fill it. How did he grow up so quickly? It's as if he doesn't need me any more.
That's a feeling Jeannie Ford can certainly relate to. Her younger son, Oliver, joined reception class last September but still doesn't spend every day at school.
"There's a very long settling-in and assessment process and we're now at the stage where Ollie does four days until 3.20," she says. "His teacher has said that he can now do that on the other day as well, but I don't want him to. He's my baby and I can't face losing him for that fifth day too. Then it'll be forever."
Empty nest syndrome was so termed to explain the loss and sadness that many parents experience when their children no longer live with them or need day-to-day care. It's very common, usually when children leave home for university. But it can strike, as I now know, at any age. Parent coach Sue Atkins says that a recent client was worried about her 25-year-old son, who was getting married. She felt she was losing him to his wife.
"Parenting is a constant letting-go," says Atkins. "From the moment you play peek-a-boo with your child, you've started them off being independent and letting them know that you won't always be there. Feeling sad is common at any stage. There's no right and wrong about it." I know I should be thrilled that my son's so settled and secure but a hint of clinginess from him would, secretly, be nice. Maybe that's selfish. But losing your baby to the growing up process is always hard.
Alison Dishington would agree with that. Her youngest child, Grace, began school last year.
"I was very emotional and cried when I got home. I actually felt a little sick," she says. "I was sad when each of my four children started but it got stronger with each one. With Grace, it was the end of an era and the house seemed so empty and quiet. I still find it terribly quiet and always have the radio on."
But Alison says that the feelings of sadness didn't last. "I felt very morbid at the loss for a short while, but then I felt some relief too. After all, I now had time to empty those cupboards I'd been meaning to do for months and space to do some things for me, too. I began swimming again and took up yoga, which I love. So I have to say there is a positive side and you can certainly fill the gap."
Jacqui Marson agrees that the key is not to panic desperately about filling the time with more work, as I have done, but to take it slowly and decide what's best for you.
"We all neglect ourselves when we have young children. So, with the realisation that you are beginning not to be the centre of your child's universe, you have to work out how to be the centre of your own universe again. It might be that you turn back to your career but it might also be that you decide to take up pottery." Sue Atkins suggests that the key is to try to relax and to celebrate the start of nursery, school or university as a step forward for your child and for you.
"Focus on the plus points," she says. "Be delighted that your child is happy, having fun and learning new things. You can't live your life through your children and when your last one goes, they do leave a gap. You have to decide how to fill it." My new life has begun. What do I do now?
Ends
Showing posts with label childcare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childcare. Show all posts
Monday, 25 February 2008
Saturday, 17 February 2007
Goodbye Mary, Hello Manny
Today I have an article in the Weekend Section of the Daily Telegraph. But there's no need to click on, as I've reproduced it in full, below...
Now it's Manny Poppins
Sarah Ebner meets the parents who prefer a shot of testosterone to a spoonful of sugar
By Sarah Ebner
She may be wowing them in the West End, but it appears that Mary Poppins is out of fashion. According to those in the know, if we want to ensure that our sons and daughters grow up to be well-rounded individuals, we need a modern solution. The woman who was "practically perfect in every way'' has a rival: the manny.
If you've never heard the term, you're a few steps behind in the childcare stakes. For the uninitiated, author Holly Peterson is here to shed some light on the issue. As one of the characters in her new book, aptly named The Manny, explains: "It's a manny. M for male nanny... Think of it as the older brother we all dreamt of, but with the patience only money can buy.''
Peterson first heard about mannies soon after having her third child. She felt that her son, Jack, then three, was being "squashed'' by spending days with his older and younger sisters, as well as his mother and nanny.
Now it appears that mannies are all the rage. Gwyneth Paltrow and Britney Spears are fans, and the attractions seem obvious. It's not so much a spoonful of sugar, as a shot of testosterone around the house. Not only do mannies keep temptation at bay (female nannies, as Jude Law discovered, can be a bit too distracting), but they happily play in the garden for hours, and seem genuinely interested in sports, Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man and snails.
"Boys play differently to women,'' says Peterson, 42, whose children are now 10, eight and four. "The nanny is more of a comforter, while the manny is a 'throw me across the room' kind of guy. They fool around, play football and are happy to run around and around the park. I thought Jack would really benefit from it and he has.''
They may sound like a perfect playmate for any sons you may have, but what about the girls? Peterson thinks a male role model is good for them too. "Mannies have a different attitude,'' she says. "They see situations in another way.''
But hiring a manny wasn't just a way for Peterson to solve her childcare issues. It also led to a new career, as a novelist. The book - her first - sold for $1 million in the US alone, with the film rights fetching another $600,000.
The story is set in what Peterson describes as "this ridiculous, hilarious world of rich people on the Upper East Side''. It's a place she knows well as she grew up in, and still lives in, that very exclusive part of New York. Some families have one nanny per child, while housekeepers and drivers are de rigueur. However, as a Newsweek journalist, Peterson says she's a step apart. "The rich in New York are a very peculiar group,'' she says. "But 95 per cent of my friends are not in that world.''
Peterson's book, out next week, is certainly being published at the right time, as mannies have become increasingly popular in Britain. My Big Buddy (http://www.mybigbuddy.com">www.mybigbuddy.com>), an agency specialising in male nannies, recently launched in London. And Gumtree (http://www.gumtree.com), a website used by working parents to look for childcare, reports that searches for "male'' or "male nanny'' have gone up sevenfold in the past few months.
With increasing numbers of single parents, as well as older fathers who might struggle to run around a football pitch, mannies may well fill a gap. But one recent survey suggested another reason for the rising demand. In an apparent blow against sisterhood, almost 80 per cent of mothers admitted that they felt threatened by attractive female nannies, while 94 per cent said they would consider a male nanny instead. "We simply don't have enough men on our books,'' says Oliver Black, director of Tinies, the supplier of childcare staff which carried out the survey. "Only five per cent of our nannies are male.''
One of those is Craig Smith, 20, who works as a manny for Alison and Michael Goff in Sevenoaks, Kent. Craig looks after the Goffs' three sons, Hamish, 10, Louis, eight, and Theo, three. "I couldn't imagine doing the same thing every day,'' says Smith, who explains that he always wanted to work with children. "Every day is different and really rewarding too.''
Smith describes his three charges as "sporty and boisterous'' and much of his time is spent ferrying them to and from different sports activities. But he also attends mother and toddler clubs with Theo and plays "a lot'' of football with all three. Smith cooks for the boys too (although he admits that the domestic side is not his strong point).
"My friends are builders, carpenters and electricians. They laughed their heads off when I told them what I was going to do. But when I say that I've been playing in the garden, they're a bit jealous.''
He is sure that he got the job because the children are boys, but Alison Goff insists that's not true. "People assume that because I have boys, I wanted a male nanny, but he was the best person I interviewed,'' she says.
"I admit I've been surprised to see how the kids are happier with him, perhaps because he loves the rough and tumble and is physically fit and active. If you have three boys, it's no good having someone who wants to plait hair and paint fingernails.''
Holly Peterson would agree. Then again, she seems to have it all the book deal, the investment banker husband, and even a nanny and a manny.
But for those of us in the real world, choosing the perfect child-carer might never be the same again.
Now it's Manny Poppins
Sarah Ebner meets the parents who prefer a shot of testosterone to a spoonful of sugar
By Sarah Ebner
She may be wowing them in the West End, but it appears that Mary Poppins is out of fashion. According to those in the know, if we want to ensure that our sons and daughters grow up to be well-rounded individuals, we need a modern solution. The woman who was "practically perfect in every way'' has a rival: the manny.
If you've never heard the term, you're a few steps behind in the childcare stakes. For the uninitiated, author Holly Peterson is here to shed some light on the issue. As one of the characters in her new book, aptly named The Manny, explains: "It's a manny. M for male nanny... Think of it as the older brother we all dreamt of, but with the patience only money can buy.''
Peterson first heard about mannies soon after having her third child. She felt that her son, Jack, then three, was being "squashed'' by spending days with his older and younger sisters, as well as his mother and nanny.
Now it appears that mannies are all the rage. Gwyneth Paltrow and Britney Spears are fans, and the attractions seem obvious. It's not so much a spoonful of sugar, as a shot of testosterone around the house. Not only do mannies keep temptation at bay (female nannies, as Jude Law discovered, can be a bit too distracting), but they happily play in the garden for hours, and seem genuinely interested in sports, Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man and snails.
"Boys play differently to women,'' says Peterson, 42, whose children are now 10, eight and four. "The nanny is more of a comforter, while the manny is a 'throw me across the room' kind of guy. They fool around, play football and are happy to run around and around the park. I thought Jack would really benefit from it and he has.''
They may sound like a perfect playmate for any sons you may have, but what about the girls? Peterson thinks a male role model is good for them too. "Mannies have a different attitude,'' she says. "They see situations in another way.''
But hiring a manny wasn't just a way for Peterson to solve her childcare issues. It also led to a new career, as a novelist. The book - her first - sold for $1 million in the US alone, with the film rights fetching another $600,000.
The story is set in what Peterson describes as "this ridiculous, hilarious world of rich people on the Upper East Side''. It's a place she knows well as she grew up in, and still lives in, that very exclusive part of New York. Some families have one nanny per child, while housekeepers and drivers are de rigueur. However, as a Newsweek journalist, Peterson says she's a step apart. "The rich in New York are a very peculiar group,'' she says. "But 95 per cent of my friends are not in that world.''
Peterson's book, out next week, is certainly being published at the right time, as mannies have become increasingly popular in Britain. My Big Buddy (http://www.mybigbuddy.com">www.mybigbuddy.com>), an agency specialising in male nannies, recently launched in London. And Gumtree (http://www.gumtree.com), a website used by working parents to look for childcare, reports that searches for "male'' or "male nanny'' have gone up sevenfold in the past few months.
With increasing numbers of single parents, as well as older fathers who might struggle to run around a football pitch, mannies may well fill a gap. But one recent survey suggested another reason for the rising demand. In an apparent blow against sisterhood, almost 80 per cent of mothers admitted that they felt threatened by attractive female nannies, while 94 per cent said they would consider a male nanny instead. "We simply don't have enough men on our books,'' says Oliver Black, director of Tinies, the supplier of childcare staff which carried out the survey. "Only five per cent of our nannies are male.''
One of those is Craig Smith, 20, who works as a manny for Alison and Michael Goff in Sevenoaks, Kent. Craig looks after the Goffs' three sons, Hamish, 10, Louis, eight, and Theo, three. "I couldn't imagine doing the same thing every day,'' says Smith, who explains that he always wanted to work with children. "Every day is different and really rewarding too.''
Smith describes his three charges as "sporty and boisterous'' and much of his time is spent ferrying them to and from different sports activities. But he also attends mother and toddler clubs with Theo and plays "a lot'' of football with all three. Smith cooks for the boys too (although he admits that the domestic side is not his strong point).
"My friends are builders, carpenters and electricians. They laughed their heads off when I told them what I was going to do. But when I say that I've been playing in the garden, they're a bit jealous.''
He is sure that he got the job because the children are boys, but Alison Goff insists that's not true. "People assume that because I have boys, I wanted a male nanny, but he was the best person I interviewed,'' she says.
"I admit I've been surprised to see how the kids are happier with him, perhaps because he loves the rough and tumble and is physically fit and active. If you have three boys, it's no good having someone who wants to plait hair and paint fingernails.''
Holly Peterson would agree. Then again, she seems to have it all the book deal, the investment banker husband, and even a nanny and a manny.
But for those of us in the real world, choosing the perfect child-carer might never be the same again.
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