What is the perfect age gap between children?

Hello

I have a piece in the Times, Body and Soul section, on that thorny topic, age-gaps. You can read it here.

For some reason, the piece online, unlike the published newspaper piece, doesn't include the case study.

Here is my original:

By Sarah Ebner

What is the optimum age gap between children? Will a short gap incite furious sibling rivalry, or a long gap risk your children never becoming friends? It’s one of the more frustrating parental conundrums – and one where people are apparently happy to offer opinions, but not absolutes.
“We know the general effect of age gaps, but family dynamics change, so there are no guarantees,” says Dr Richard Woolfson, child psychologist and author of Understanding Children. “However, sibling rivalry tends to be at its strongest when the age gap is around two years. It’s less intense at 18 months or younger because they don’t have a fully developed sense of identity, while after three years, it’s also lessened because the older child will have more of a sense of independence, and feel more secure in their own life.”
Sibling rivalry is certainly one of the first things parents consider when they’re deciding whether to have a second or third baby. But there are also many other issues. Careers, finances and even accommodation all have their parts to play, and so, of course, does simple biology. Many women may hope for a particular age gap between their children, but find that they can’t make that happen. Others become pregnant more easily than they expected.
“I thought it would be nice to have the children growing up together, but never thought I would get pregnant so quickly a second time,” says Janine Neye, who has a 13 month gap between Jake, 13, and Maddi, 12. “It was tough physically, but in some ways that small gap was easier – it got the nappies out of the way all at once. At the same time, it was a bit like having twins but scarier. I remember Jake running in one direction and Maddi lying in his way dangerously in the other.”
But are there any clues to what is the “right” gap? According to the Office of National Statistics, the median interval between births (for married women in England and Wales) is 35 months, a sensible interval if you’re trying to minimise sibling rivalry. This almost three-year gap could also be wise when it comes to maternal health - research by the Catalyst Consortium, which covers family planning and reproduction, suggests that it is near to optimum for health reasons. Much of their data was based on the developing world, which has much higher rates of infant and maternal mortality, but experts here agree that it makes sense to let the body recover from one gruelling pregnancy and childbirth before moving onto another one.
A further study from the Centre of Population Studies at the School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine in London, supports this. It discovered that women who wait less than 18 months between having children are more likely to die young than those who have a bigger gap. By the age of 50, the death rate for those women in their study was 20 percent higher than those with a larger sibling gap.
Shelley Lief and her husband Kevin have a seemingly perfect gap between their two sons, Alex, who’s nearly 6 and Jacob, who’s coming up to 3. Another baby is due in February.
“We didn’t think we could cope!” says Lief, 37, as she explains why they went for that interval between the boys. “We didn’t sit down and plan a three year gap, and there was definite peer pressure to go for two or two and a half years, but I didn’t want a toddler and a baby. I wanted an older child who was a bit more independent, but not so much older that he wouldn’t be friends with his new sibling. I knew I didn’t want a tiny gap; that’s very hard on the parents.
“The two boys are very close and play together all the time,” she adds. “I don’t know if it’s an optimum gap, but it works for us.”
Professor Judy Dunn, a developmental psychologist and expert in child development, agrees that this three year interval may be a good one.
“It’s true that there are big differences in how a first born reacts to the arrival and upheaval of a new baby, depending on how old they are,” she says. “A two year old will show upset in a very different way to a five year old, and if a child can talk, lots of things are different. You can amuse and distract a verbally precocious three year old when you’re with a young baby. That’s harder with an 18 month old.
“By three, most first-born children are amenable to parental pressure not to beat up the baby. But how well siblings get along with each other is very dependent on the older child’s temperament.”
Lief also believes that gender made a positive difference.
“I knew nothing about boys before,” she says. “But they have got so much in common, from superheroes to play fighting. I’m sure it makes them closer.”
Gender may well play a part, but it’s debatable whether this is good or bad. Many women who get along just perfectly with their little sisters as babies (all that sharing of pink tutus) find that this sharing turns into competitiveness as they grow up and are compared more easily than siblings of opposite sexes. The same goes for those Spider-Man playing brothers.
“Everyone’s experience is different” says Dr Woolfson. “The kids may get along fine when they are 4 and 2 or 8 and 6, but the gap can seem vast when they reach 13 and 11, whatever their gender. Social interests may not start to level out until they are much older.”
“If you’re interested in a child’s wellbeing, then they can do very well with a five or six year gap, or a year between them,” adds Professor Dunn. “If you’re worried about the quality of the relationship between your children, you’re right, it will be very different depending on whether the gap is small or big, but there’s no simple equation.”
Janine Neye agrees with that. She claims that her children’s age gaps are far from optimum, but that it works in practice.
“We’ve got the worst case scenario,” says Neye, 43. “We’ve got too small a gap at one end – just 13 months – and too big a gap at the other!”
Neye was horrified when she first found out that she was pregnant for the third time. Her two children, Jake and Maddi were 9 and 8, and she thought her new baby days were over.
“It nearly finished us off,” says Neye, who’s now 43. “The older two were devastated because it signified such a change in our lives, and obviously we weren’t expecting it. It’s definitely affected the family dynamic.”
But while Neye is a real life example of a small and large age gap, she can see the benefits of both. This was also true of her own upbringing - she gets on especially well with her youngest sister (a 12 year age gap).
“It has been nice having a large gap and it’s lovely having a small one around - Spike’s a great asset. But it has changed our lives on a complicated level. When we went on holiday to Cornwall, the older two surfed with their dad and I had to stay with Spike. These days I don’t get to do as many things with the older two, and we aren’t quite as complete.”
For some people, a small age gap makes perfect sense: like Janine Neye (with numbers one and two!) they want two children who will grow up together, have much in common and be close. For others, it makes no sense at all. Why, they wonder, would you want to go back to sleepless nights and breastfeeding just when you’ve finished them? Doesn’t it make sense to spend time with the first child, and not share him or her with a tiny, screaming number two? Even Neye feels her first son missed out on her attention. “He was tiny when I got pregnant again,” she says.
There’s also the question of intellectual development, as it’s suggested that this is helped by a larger gap. Language development in particular improves when a child spends more time with adults rather than similarly aged siblings. However, once again, there are many other factors at play when it comes to intelligence.
“Every age gap brings strengths and weaknesses,” says Dr Woolfson. “I would strongly discourage any parents from choosing an age gap on the basis of reducing tension between children or how intelligent they want their child to be.”
And whatever the age gap, parents need to prepare children carefully for any new arrivals, or face dire consequences. How siblings get on may owe more to personality than age, but parents can make a real difference.
“If it’s not resolved in childhood, then the impact of age gaps will continue into adulthood,” warns Dr Woolfson. “Parents need to be aware of this and make every effort to work at it with the children, encourage them to get on and make each of them feel special.”
Ends

Who says single men can't adopt?

I have an article in the Times about single men who choose to adopt. It's really very interesting indeed (trust me!)
Here is the link...
Or here is the text.....

Who says lone men can’t adopt?
The number of single male adopters in Britain is small but growing. Sarah Ebner talks to three happy fathers

Last year 3,700 children were adopted from care. Many more, desperate for a family, were disappointed – but adoption agencies have begun to look farther afield. Unmarried heterosexual and gay couples can now adopt jointly, while another small but growing part of the adoptive parent network is single people. And while it’s true that most single adopters are female, there are some men, too.

Single men are probably the most maligned group of adoptive parents, and are subjected to intense questioning about why they want to become fathers.

Although it is not illegal for a single man to adopt a female child, it happens rarely. Single male adopters tend to adopt boys who are slightly older than the average. As in any adoption, the child’s needs must be paramount.

David Holmes, chief executive of the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF), says: “It is a myth that single men can’t adopt. The number of single male adopters is small but growing. What children need most is security and stability, and in most cases this is more important than the gender of the carer.

“We know that single people can do just as well as couples, and we encourage adoption agencies to think about what single men and women have to offer. The national minimum standards for adoption state that people who are interested in becoming adoptive parents will be welcomed without prejudice.”

Here, three single men recount how they became adoptive fathers.



— Richard Stuart, 42, lives in Sandhurst, Berkshire, with his two adopted sons, Paul, 18, and Aron, 12. Richard, who also fosters two teenage boys, looks after the children full-time.

“I thought I’d have all the normal things in life – kids, a wife and a dog – but it doesn’t always work out like that,” he says. “When I was 23, a close friend died. I took her loss badly. I got to 27 and hadn’t had any serious relationships since her death. But I’m an impatient person and wasn’t happy. I had always wanted to be a dad, and began to think that I would never have kids.

“I was surprised when I found out that single men could adopt. However, my local authority said that although they were legally obliged to carry out all the checks on me, they had never taken on a single male adopter before.

“It took me three years with different agencies to be approved. Eventually I went to an independent adoption service and they took me on. I had to be thoroughly checked, but that didn’t bother me. If you can’t put up with the checks and intrusiveness then you shouldn’t try to adopt in the first place. I’d have given everything I had to be a dad, so I was prepared to be harassed.

“Once I was approved, I went to a matching panel. Paul, who was nearly 10, had been in a care home and I was his last chance. He really wanted a family, and there was something about him that made me want him. We clicked.

“Everything changed after Paul came. I had no social life and couldn’t go anywhere without him following me. But it was what I wanted. I chose to do it. However, it was an issue that I was a single man. I ran a huge Cub pack, and once Paul came the numbers nosedived. People thought that I must be odd, or that Paul was potentially dangerous.

“I lost some friends when Paul arrived but made new ones, too. I didn’t really care what people thought of me but I did care what they thought of Paul.

“Two years later I got Aron, who was then 6, and I now sit on an adoption panel. I don’t have relationships because I don’t have time, but I don’t think the boys miss having a mum. I’d have liked to adopt a girl but it was difficult enough getting a boy as a single man.

“I’m exceptionally proud of the boys, even though they completely wind me up. They really do complete my life, and I have no regrets.”


— Thierry Lambert, 34, lives in Wiltshire with his adopted son, Liam, 8. He works for Wiltshire police. “I first met Liam in April last year. I walked into the room at his foster home and he looked up and said, ‘Hello Dad, I’m just having a sandwich, I’ll be there in a minute’. It felt incredible. When I left, I shed more tears than I’d ever done in my life. I was so happy.

“I had always wanted children and was in a seven-year relationship where we were planning to have them, but we broke up in 2003. I was just turning 30 and wasn’t keen to start over again. What if I met someone new, then waited more years to have a child, only for it not to happen again?

“I came across adoption on the internet and it seemed like a great idea. For me, the child was more important than the partner, and adoption cut out that relationship completely. I contacted Wiltshire social services and they didn’t think it was a problem. I went on a course which was very female-orientated (everything was about mothers), but I met nice people and no one was especially negative. However, some people did ask if I was gay.

“I also had an in-depth assessment. Every angle was covered – my social group, my work, what support I had, even how a child would cope with me being diabetic.

“It took nearly a year to get approval. I did have relationships during that time but they didn’t last. The adoption was my priority.

“Liam’s father had died and he hadn’t had a particularly good experience with his mother. Because of this he found it difficult to trust women. He needed a father.

“I was sent the forms of 20 possible children, and when I saw Liam I said, ‘That’s the one. That’s my son’.

“Liam moved in last May and I’ve had to adjust more than him – being more tired, more responsible, making sure that he gets fed and bathed and does his homework.

“But it’s completely worth it. Liam makes me laugh every day and I feel I’ve known him since he was born. I adopted him on October 10, 2006 and he says that I’m his real dad. I feel this was meant to be.”

— John Williams*, 47, lives on Anglesey in Wales with his two adopted sons, *Keith, 21, and *Jamie, 20. He also fosters two boys aged 11 and 12, and looks after the children full-time.

“When I was told that I would be adopting two brothers aged 9 and 10, I was concerned. They sounded so grown-up and I thought that they would have missed out on so much. But when I met the boys I couldn’t believe how small they were. I knew they were the ones for me.

“I’ve always loved children but although I was married briefly, we had no kids. After we broke up in 1992 I began thinking about adoption. I wanted a family but wasn’t keen on another relationship and didn’t want to risk getting hurt again.

“I contacted Barnardo’s, who gave me a very thorough assessment. It wasn’t easy but I don’t think that it should be easy. I told my social worker right from the start that I would be open and honest. I had nothing to hide, and wanted to be a father more than anything. However, it is hard when you read so much about male abusers. You want to say, ‘That’s not every man’.

“At that time I worked for the Ministry of Defence, and because I worked I was told that I would have to adopt school-age children. I was expecting a five-year-old!

“The boys had been in foster care for more than three years. They felt very much that they were treated differently from the foster carer’s children and wanted a family of their own. Keith had written a letter saying that he wanted to live in the country with animals, and I was delighted to read that. It was my situation exactly, and he has loved being outdoors from Day 1. Meanwhile, Jamie, who barely spoke when he was with the foster carer, hasn’t stopped talking since he came here! He knew immediately that he belonged.

“I told Jamie and Keith that there were lots of other children who would like to be adopted, but it was important to them that their adoption was special. They suggested fostering.

“I wouldn’t change what I have for the world. I think how empty my life was before and take great pleasure in my sons’ achievements. Yes, I would have liked to have met someone and had children, but that didn’t happen. I haven’t had relationships since getting the boys, but my life is full and we are happy. I definitely feel that the boys are mine.”

* Names have been changed.

What's the alternative?

Today I have an article in the Guardian about alternative therapies and the boom in using them to treat young children.
To read it online, click on http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,2016867,00.html
Otherwise, read on....

Risky alternative?
More and more parents are taking their children to complementary therapists. But just how safe and effective are such treatments? Sarah Ebner reports

There's a baby boom in the world of complementary medicine. Therapists are treating more and more infants, as many parents abandon long waits at the doctor's surgery in favour of costly visits to alternative practitioners.
"There's much more of an awareness of what we do," says June Tranmer, who specialises in paediatric acupuncture at the Healing Clinic in York. "We have had hundreds of children coming through our doors and the numbers keep going up."

Probably the most popular treatments are baby massage and yoga - the infant Leo Blair was reputedly taken to baby massage sessions run by beauty therapist Bharti Vyas - as well as homeopathy and even acupuncture, kinesiology (which claims to diagnose imbalances through analysing movement) and chiropractic. But why is the next generation having these treatments? Alternative therapists usually spend longer with their patients and claim remarkable results. So for parents with money and initiative, they are an attractive option.

Caroline Hind took her twins, Corem and Jaimie, to see Tranmer at the end of last year. The boys, who turn two at the end of this month, had whooping cough. "There was nothing the doctor could do, as it was really a nursing issue," says Hind. "We suffered broken nights with the boys coughing so much they were sick." Tranmer spent an hour with the family, before carrying out acupressure and cupping treatments. "It was a really calming experience for them, and for us," says Hind. "Everything was so gentle. Afterwards both babies slept through the night." The whooping cough didn't go away completely, but Hind is sure the treatments helped. "I suppose you never know for sure, but it did seem to make a difference," she says. "I think doctors are very good at serious illnesses, but for allergies, migraines and the sorts of things where they're at a bit of a loose end, this is a good option. Medicine is so reliant on drugs. This is a gentler alternative."

Many medical professionals, however, disagree. "I remain sceptical until there's good evidence," says paediatrician Jethro Herberg. "My antagonism is proportional to the degree of harm they can do. At best they are benign and, at worst, can do an awful lot of harm. Herbal remedies are littered with case studies where they have done damage. People have an inconsistent view ... If they go to the doctor, they demand an extremely high level of proof that what they're getting is efficient and not harmful. But they'll go and see an alternative practitioner, with no idea whether it could be harmful, or not."

Tranmer admits there is not a "huge body" of research, but questions who would finance it. "You can't do research for nothing, and drug companies won't fund us," she says. "Anyway, if you see a child screaming in pain, and they're better after you treat them, how do you deny it is working?"

Edzard Ernst, professor of complementary medicine at the Peninsula Medical School in Exeter, agrees that more evidence is needed. "Without proof, we only have hearsay and clinical experience, which can be misleading," he says. "Little children are very fragile and, to me, there is an ethical imperative to find more evidence. The official bodies - the NHS or Wellcome Trust, which have no commercial interest - should fund research."

In the meantime, Ernst is dubious about the benefits of treating infants this way. "Gentle massage is definitely very good for babies, but kinesiology is nonsense," he says. He also believes that acupuncture could be downright dangerous. "Everything is so tiny in a baby. In a jiffy, a needle could be in the heart or lung." Although, as acupuncturist, Vera Wong, points out, actual needles are rarely used on babies. Acupressure is more common: "We use skin rollers, toy tractors and spring-loaded pointers usually used on adult ears," she says.

According to Ernst, the main determinant of whether a child is treated with alternative medicine is whether its parents also use it. However, homeopath Jo Redmond, director of the Health Works clinic in east London, says they are treating more young families and more black and Asian patients. "People think it is only a white, middle-class domain, or only for people who have treatments themselves. We are seeing parents who are fed up with doctors, and don't want endless prescriptions."

Around three quarters of Redmond's 1,000 patients are babies and small children. Ruqiyah Henry is one of those. She was seven months old and suffering from severe eczema when her parents, Aa'isha Henry and Abdul Raheem, took her to the homeopath. "She was scratching all the time," says Henry, "waking up in the night and she was so distressed. It was awful to see her unhappy."

The doctor had prescribed hydrocortisone cream and antibiotics. "The cream was so strong I was concerned about putting it on her face. The eczema came back each day ... I didn't want her to be on a steroid cream for ever." When one of Henry's friends suggested homeopathy, she decided to give it a go. Interestingly, her health visitor also recommended it. "The doctor said there was no cure ... she would have to grow out of it. The homeopath said she could be cured," she says.

After two monthly sessions, during which Ruqiyah was given homeopathic pills nearly every day, her eczema cleared up. "Her skin is so soft and smooth," says Henry. "I can't believe the results." With treatments at around £30, Henry wishes it was available on the NHS. "We're not rich at all," she says, "but it is worth it."

Despite these results, homeopathy has not been proved clinically effective. Ernst, who has just published a review of homeopathic trials, claims "there is no good evidence" it works for children.

And while Herberg sympathises with parents "driven to distraction" by a difficult baby, "it shouldn't surprise anyone that children get better," he says. "A lot of these alternative therapies treat the mother rather than the baby, and placebo also has a measurable effect."

Redmond naturally disputes that view. "How does the placebo effect work with babies and animals?" she asks. "Colds and skin problems can't clear up just because mum's calmer and happier".

Welcome

Journalists everywhere need to be on the Web, or so I'm told. Finally, as 2006 comes to an end, I am joining them, although I'm not sure that the world has been holding its breath and waiting for this moment.

I am a journalist who has worked for a variety of national newspapers and magazines, as well as the BBC. I write features and opinion pieces, on whatever topic takes my fancy, or that of the commissioning editor.

I am married, live in North London and have two young children, a girl and a boy. I work part-time and am freelance. This is one of my bugbears - surely it should be easier for women to get good part-time jobs. Otherwise you are losing a whole swathe of people from the job market, simply because they want to balance work and their offspring.

More later.